


Forget Me Not

by Inharborlights



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Character Death, Childhood Memories, Flowers, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 19:52:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4535160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inharborlights/pseuds/Inharborlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Human AU.  Throughout Lukas's entire life, Mathias has always gone out of his way to be there for him in his time of need.  Now that he's gone, Lukas decides that it's time to return the favor. Cover art credit (https://41.media.tumblr.com/4bf8b1fca453b8f38ac7b59d3194367d/tumblr_nsu2wp068O1r8ghtgo1_540.jpg) to my wonderful friend AJ, Dank-Sweden.tumblr.com.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_May 30th, 2016_

  
"Do not stand at my grave  
and weep  
I am not there  
I do not sleep  
Do not stand at my grave  
and cry  
I am not dead  
I am alive  
I am a thousand winds that blow  
I am the diamond glints on snow  
I am the sunlight and ripened grain  
I am the gentle gentle autumn rain"

  
_Sentimental bullshit._

  
Lukas clenched his fists tighter, trying to keep his breathing even. The minister had been speaking for nearly an hour now, his monologue broken only once when he had asked the congregation to rise and sing Amazing Grace.

It was the second worst day of Lukas's life, but he had expected nothing less after the hellish torment of the previous two weeks. In less than half a month he'd lost 8 pounds and countless hours of sleep to his all-consuming grief. He was beyond tired - he was in a perpetual state of exhaustion that did nothing to numb the ache that was radiating through his body or the impatience in his mind.

He bided his time by looking around. He stared at his hands, the domed ceiling, and the strangers sniffling quietly in the pews around him. He observed the tears rolling down Tino's blotty cheeks, the firm-set line of Berwald's clenched jaw, and the solemnly silent words of prayer rolling off of Emil's tongue. He watched the sun turn the stained glass windows into walls of glittering jewels, eyed the rosary hung around the minister's thick neck, and counted every single flower surrounding the one object he couldn't bear to look at.

The minister was smiling broadly now, his arms raised in the air as if he was preparing to belly-flop down onto the sea of flowers before him. He sounded excited and impassioned, though Lukas didn't care to listen. He felt Tino's soft hand reach for his own, but didn't make an effort to return the gesture.

"And now, I'd like to invite Mr. Lukas Bondevik, Mathias's friend, to come forward and reminisce with us."

_Friend?_

Lukas didn't move. The minister was smiling at him, beckoning for him to come to the podium, but he remained glued to his seat. Emil began to tug at his sleeve; Lukas shouldered him away and finally stood up. He made his way through the pew slowly, feeling the hundreds of eyes following his every movement.

When he reached the center aisle, he turned on his foot and promptly strolled back to the church lobby. As the glass doors fell closed behind him, he caught anxious murmurs of disapproval and the sound of Tino's light footsteps approaching the pulpit. Without looking back he continued walking briskly through the lobby, slipped through the entrance doors, and didn't stop until he reached his car.


	2. Lily

**Lily: Grief, condolences**

_May 31st, 2016_

_Mathias Andersen Køhler_  
_6th June, 1992 - 17th May, 2016_  
_Friend to us all_  

_It's so cold._

Lukas couldn't think of anything but that thought, over and over, as he brushed his hand over the smooth face of the gravestone. While the stone leached the heat from his fingertips, the engravement took any semblance of a collected thought from his mind. It was impersonal and generic, almost like an afterthought when all of the other preparations for the funeral were said and done.

He removed his hand from the stone and sat down on the freshly-dug mound of dirt before it, being careful not to jostle the small bouquet of white lilies he was carrying.

"That's a strange phrase they put on it. 'Friend to us all'," Lukas commented. He watched a crow hop around in the grass a few graves away for a few seconds until it flew up into the evening sky and disappeared behind a nearby oak tree. Again, he stared at the grass, the dirt, the bouquet, the sky - anything but the reality that rested in front of him.

"They called me your 'friend' at the service today." He pinched a pearly-white petal in his forefingers. "I didn't say anything but I knew that you would've. You always start fights over the silliest things," he sighed.

He finally looked back up at the gravestone, but it stayed as still and cold as before. The sun cast streaks of pink and orange into the clouds and bathed everything on the ground in a soft glow. Lukas knew that it was time to return home, to be consoled again by his friends and to try again to get a full hour's sleep without waking up screaming.

He gently placed the bouquet down before the stone. "To say that I miss you would be an understatement," he said flatly. "We all do. Emil's been crying for weeks, and Berwald has too, but he tries his hardest not to let us see it. Tino's trying to stay strong, but I can tell that he isn't doing well." He coughed. "I think that you know me well enough by now to know how I'm taking it."

Standing up, he brushed off his jeans before turning and starting to walk back towards his car. He paused after a few strides and cast one last glance back at Mathias's grave. "I love you," he said, his throat tightening. "And I'll be back soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for reading! This chapter and the prologue are both very short, I know - however, starting with the very next chapter, we're going to begin to delve into the story of Mathias and Lukas's relationship and more of Lukas's personal thoughts and feelings. The next chapter will be posted on Sunday.


	3. Lilac: Friendship

**Lilac: Friendship, the joy of youth**

  
_June 6th, 2016_

  
The sun had barely peaked above the horizon when the sound of a car door slamming echoed through the cemetery. Songbirds in their nests hurried to calm their young before clambering over to the outermost branches of their trees to investigate. They watched curiously as a young man treaded the cemetery walkway holding a handful of deep purple flowers.

As Lukas approached the still-shiny stone, the pit in his stomach deepened. He could only stare at it for a few minutes until he sat down on the mound of dirt before it once again.

"Hey, Mathias," he said, pushing his bangs out of his eyes. "I'm back, just as I said. Ber and Tino wanted me to come here with them earlier this week - they said that mourning with loved ones would be easier on me. Cathartic, or something. I couldn't do it, I couldn't stand here and watch them cry over your grave, watch them try to comfort me and promise that you're in better place..." He trailed off. "I don't know where you are, but I know that you can hear me right now. You have to," he added, trying to keep his voice from breaking.

Lukas shook his head and held out his handful of flowers. "I brought you some lilacs today. I figured that you'd like something a little out of the ordinary," he said. "Remember when we were kids and you gave me one of these once? I think that I still have it somewhere..."

****

_"Luuuuuukas! I found something really cool!"_

_Mathias was sprinting across Lukas's back yard, coming straight towards his lawn chair as quickly as his little eight-year-old legs could carry him, his childish face alight with glee. Lukas reluctantly put down his current read, Charlotte's Web, and turned a skeptical eye to his energetic friend._

_"Is it another dead squirrel? Because you know what Mamma said, if you disturb a dead squirrel then it will get it's dead squirrel friends and crawl into your bed and nibble on your toes while you're sleeping," Lukas replied, the image of his friend's frazzled mother appearing in his mind._

_Mathias snorted. "Not this time! It's some sort of flower, and it's real pretty, so I knew that you'd like it."_

_Lukas watched curiously as Mathias produced a large, crumpled purple flower from behind his back. He gripped it in his fist for the other boy to examine, nearly bouncing in place in his excitement. "My mamma says that it's a lilac, and that it's the nice kind of flower that boys give to girls when they love them a lot. I know that you're not a girl, but I'm giving this flower to you because I love you a lot anyway!" he said cheerily, handing it to Lukas._

_Though he didn't see the big deal about it, Lukas decided to practice his manners anyway. "Thank you," he answered, pressing the flower into his book. "I think that my family's having lunch soon. You don't mind eating Svinekoteletter, do you?"_

_Mathias shook his head, a grin blooming on his face. "Let's eat!"_

****

Lukas nearly smiled at the little flowers in his hand. Instead, he placed them before Mathias's gravestone, stood up, and stretched. "I miss you and I love you. I'll be back soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! In honor of the fic just being finished written, I've decided to start posting new chapters on Sundays AND Thursdays. And as some of you were probably wonder: yes, the chapters will be getting longer. Happy reading, and thank you all for the kudos!


	4. Violet

**Violet: Loyalty, devotion**

 

_June 17th, 2016_

The sound of uneven footsteps mixed with the chirping of the cicadas, setting a cautious tone to the otherwise-beautiful afternoon. This time as Lukas came walking on the cemetery path, his clothing and hair appeared disheveled and his gait was unsteady. When he reached the gravestone, he wavered in his stance for a moment before falling back heavily onto his ass.

"It's been one month since that day."

Watching the stone, Lukas felt like he needed to add more: to tell Mathias about Emil, Tino and Berwald, or how he was handling himself, or why he reeked of cheap vodka. Still, the words escaped his mouth and he was left staring in silence.

How could he ever explain his new life without him? Every morning he would open his eyes and have a few seconds of dreamy bliss before the reality of the world came crashing down around him, suffocating him and pricking tears into his eyes until he could pull himself into the bathroom and begin his daily routine. Every day his job performance worsened and every day Emil made a point of visiting him to make sure that he had remembered to eat. He'd gone through a full month of empty grief only to drink himself silly on the one day he should've visited the grave in a composed manner.

"Mathias, I miss you. I miss you so much, you idiot," he growled, childishly wiping his eyes with his fists. "And it never ends, it never stops because I still love you, god damn it, and you were always supposed to be here with me. It hurts so much to know that I'll never see your face again."

Lukas began to dig around in his pocket before dropping a squashed, torn violet in front of him. Heaving a deep sigh, he leaned forward to rest his clammy forehead against the gravestone.

****

_"Do ya think that there are forest nymphs in these woods?"_

_Mathias's ten-year-old voice rang out over the noise of the snapping twigs and shifting brush under their feet, sending a nearby squirrel scurrying up into an oak tree._

_"I think that if there are, you're scaring them off by talking so loudly," Lukas grumbled, ducking under a particularly low-hanging tree branch._

_Mathias's eyes widened as he clamped his hands over his mouth. "Whoops," he whispered, giving his friend a sheepish smile._

_Lukas rolled his eyes. "Keep looking for that ball," he commanded, eyeing the summer foliage around them for a hint of their discarded soccer ball that Mathias had managed to send flying into the woods behind their houses._

_Mathias hummed in agreement and continued walking. Seconds later, a flash of deep purple caught his eye and he bounded over to a spot twenty feet away. "Hey, I found some wood violets!" he called._

_Lukas sighed and began walking over to him. "Are they black and white and in the shape of a ball?"_

_"No..."_

_"Then why do you-" Lukas was caught off-guard by a large tree root jutting up under the foliage. He tripped, stumbling forward onto the forest floor._

_"Luke! Are you alright?" Mathias ran over to him and helped him into a sitting position._

_Lukas gritted his teeth, angrily cursing the tears that sprung to his eyes. "Yeah, I think so." He began to stretch out his body before he suddenly winced. "Damn, I twisted my left ankle."_

_Mathias gently pulled up Lukas's pant leg and slipped off his shoe and sock despite Lukas's cursing and hissing. The skin of his ankle was swollen in a gut-twisting way, and already great spots of purple and red were blooming around the joint._

_Mathias whistled. "Nice job. You're not going to be able to walk on that for a week!" Though his tone was lighthearted, his mouth was set in a worried grimace._

_Lukas huffed impatiently. "Go back to the house and get someone to help walk me home."_

_"I'm not just going to leave you out here! It's starting to get dark and we don't know what's in these woods..."_

_Lukas pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, thanks for that bit of reassurance. Just run to my house, get someone to help, and come back here. It'll be easier and quicker than- OW! What do you think you're doing?!" He yelled._

_The taller boy had hoisted him up into his arms, where he was left holding Lukas bridal-style. Even as Lukas squirmed in his arms, Mathias held him tightly. "I'm not leaving you alone out here!" he insisted, grunting against Lukas's struggles._

_After a few seconds of desperately trying to wriggle himself free, Lukas gave up and slumped back in Mathias's arms. "Fine. Let's go."_

_They set off through the woods in silence. Even through Lukas's pain and his embarrassment at the situation, he couldn't help noticing how quickly it was getting dark. Listening to Mathias's steady breathing above him, he realized that he was glad that he didn't have to wait out there alone in the depths of the forest._

_Lukas rested his head against Mathias's warm chest. "Thank you."_

_Mathias shrugged his shoulders as well as he could with Lukas in his arms and grinned down at him. "This is what I'm here for."_

****

The sun had nearly set by the time Lukas stood up. Wiping stray tears from his cheeks, he took one last look at Mathias's grave.

"I'm sorry."

And with that, he turned and walked back towards his car.


	5. Daisy

**Daisy: Innocence, happiness**

_June 24th, 2016_

Lukas's steps were lighter, more even this time as he took the all-too familiar path through the cemetery. He was dressed in a well-fitting suit and loafers today, with a large bouquet of white flowers nestled in his arms that perfumed the early morning air.

He didn't hesitate to sit before Mathias's gravestone, immediately bowing his head. "I'm sorry about last time. I probably shouldn't have come, but I felt like I needed to see you." His eyes flickered across the stone. "Well, as much of you as I can see now, anyway" he sighed.

"I brought you daisies today. I know how much you love them." He quietly placed the flowers down before him and sat back again. "Every single time we used to pass a flower stand together you'd beg me to let you go and get some daisies. I kind of regret not indulging you more back then, so I guess that this will have to make up for that," he said.

Lukas looked up from the bouquet, gazing absentmindedly at the stone. "Of course, it was never really the flower itself that you liked - it was always the significance of the flower for you, the memory that's attached to it."

****

_As a general rule, Lukas hated family vacations. It all seemed like too much effort - figuring out what to pack and how to fit it in the suitcases, creating tight schedules, wasting money on flights and gas money - all just to crowd together with a mob of sweaty tourists and 'have a good time'. To him, a good time meant reading classic literature in his room all day or hanging out with his best friend (and crush, though he'd never admit it), Mathias._

_Luckily, as Lukas's family had decided to make this trip to the coast of Ireland his 16th birthday present, he was allowed to bring one friend along. That was how Lukas found himself watching his friend Mathias splashing around in the ocean while he caught up on homework on the beach._

_As he finished a particularly challenging algebraic equation, he could hear Mathias's heavy footsteps plodding up the beach. Lukas shut his ragged textbook and looked up expectantly, trying to ignore how handsome his friend looked in swim trunks. Mathias said nothing but dropped down face-first onto the beach towel next to him._

_Lukas raised an eyebrow at his friend's cherry-red shoulders. "You're sunburnt," he commented, digging a bottle of aloe lotion out of his bag._

_"I'm bored, too," Mathias replied, turning his head so that he could gaze up at him. Though he tensed up at first, Mathias's face became a smooth mask as Lukas rubbed the lotion onto his skin. "Ahhh, thank you," he sighed._

_Lukas blushed, finished up applying the lotion and pulled out his textbook again. Mathias rolled onto his side and heaved a yawn. "Wanna go exploring on the cliffs?"_

_Deciding that he could do his homework on pretty much any day of the year that wasn't his birthday, Lukas once again closed his textbook. "Sure."_

_**_

_An hour later the two boys found themselves perched atop one of the many cliffs overlooking the ocean. Before them was a field of wild daisies and tall grasses that rippled in the air with every rogue gust of wind._

_The boys looked at each other for a second before beginning to make their way through the flowers. Lukas collected a few daisies, then slowly walked to the edge of the cliff. He stood there watching the ocean waves until he heard the grasses rustling behind him. He turned around to find Mathias crouched close to the ground in hot pursuit of a grasshopper._

_Amused and slightly enchanted, Lukas watched his friend chase the poor bug until Mathias let out a groan of frustration and sat down in the middle of the field pouting. Lukas dropped a daisy onto his head in condolence and sat down next to him before beginning to weave his flowers into a daisy chain._

_Mathias flopped back onto the ground, resting his hands under his head. He waited a few moments as Lukas picked some more daisies around him. "Do you wanna take a nap together?"_

_"Dude, that's gay," Lukas deadpanned, knotting two daisy stems together._

_Mathias snorted. "You're gay."_

_Lukas smiled down at his work and tied another daisy. "No shit, Sherlock."_

_Mathias swiped the daisy chain out of his hands and tied the ends into a crown, much to Lukas's chagrin. He sat up and carefully placed it on Lukas's head, hands lingering on his face as the breath caught in Lukas's throat._

_Lukas shook himself out of his stupor. "Am I pretty now?" He joked, adjusting his new crown._

_Mathias scooted himself until he was sitting face-to-face with Lukas, watching him with a dopey expression. "You're always pretty," he said. "You're beautiful, Lukas."_

_Heart fluttering his his chest, Lukas shyly looked at the ground. "That's gay," he joked, picking at his nails in embarrassment._

_"So is this."_

_Mathias's calloused hand gently cupped his cheek and seconds later his lips found their way to Lukas's. He kissed him slowly, lips soft and steady against Lukas's own._

_Mathias was smiling when he finally pulled away, a rosy blush coloring his cheeks. "Happy birthday," he said._

_Lukas's head spun. "Wow. Does this mean that we're-"_

_"I, uh, only if you want-"_

_"I do."_

_Lukas's firm resolution seemed to shock Mathias, but soon enough he beamed even wider and closed the gap between them once again, kissing him with what seemed like all the joy in the world._

_When they parted for breath, Mathias entwined their fingers together and kissed Lukas's hand. "I wish that we could stay here forever," he sighed._

_Sitting across from the boy he loved with the ocean waves crashing in his ears, warm sunlight on his skin and the perfume of daisies in the air, Lukas had to agree._

****

Lukas didn't realize what he'd been doing until he snapped out of his absentminded haze to find a daisy chain in his hands made from Mathias's bouquet. He nearly dropped it anger at himself - how could he let himself destroy half of the bouquet?! - But he held back his hand. There was no use in getting angry over a dead man's flowers. Besides, Mathias would probably love anything that Lukas brought him - even more so a daisy chain, he realized, because of the memories behind it.

Battling a wretched sense of déjà vu, Lukas tied the ends of the chain and placed it around the top of Mathias's gravestone - a gesture that surely would've made Mathias happy. It was a horrible, nauseating sight to Lukas to see an item so pure, so interlocked with his memories of Mathias being alive and well, sitting on a slab of rock that marked where his body was decaying in a casket 6 feet below.

Lukas stood up quickly and turned away from the stone, breathing heavily. "I love you, Matt. I promise that I'll be back soon."


	6. Carnation

**Carnation: Young love, excitement**

_July 1st, 2016_

The first thing Lukas processed as he came walking towards the gravestone that evening was an overwhelming rush of relief. The daisy chain that he had left at the plot in the prior week had been removed by a cemetery caretaker some time before he'd returned, just as all of the other flowers he'd left there had in earlier weeks.

As per routine, Lukas sat down before the stone and eyed it for a few moments before he spoke. "My mother visited me yesterday. She came to see how Emil and I were holding up, but honestly I think that we were in worse shape than she bargained for. Or, at least I was," he sighed, resting his cheek on his fist. "Emil's still depressed, but I can tell that he's slowly getting better. I am too, I guess."

Even as he said the words, Lukas knew that Mathias would never buy them. "Okay, so I'm not," he stated, running his hands through his hair. "It still hurts like hell. I'm starting to feel kind of numb, too, like I don't care about anything anymore. I love you and Emil and Ber and Tino and my parents and stuff, but it's different. Food doesn't taste good anymore. I feel like there's nothing worthwhile to wake up for in the mornings except for the days when I come to visit you. Doing the hobbies I used to love take more and more energy but aren't as fun as they used to be. And I guess that the numbness is a good alternative to the pain, but it scares me just as much."

He took a shaky breath and looked back up at the stone. "But that should be expected, right? You and I had a much different kind relationship than the one you had with Emil, after all, and these things take time. Oh, and speaking of relationships..."

Lukas placed a bouquet full of bright red flowers before the stone. "I brought you some carnations today. They're kind of cheesy, and not really a standard grave-memorial flower, but I figured that you wouldn't mind."

****

_"Hello, Mrs. Bondevik."_

_"Mathias! Well, aren't you the most dashing little thing?"_

_"Yes'm, thank you. Is Lukas upstairs?"_

_Lukas groaned inwardly, setting down his hairbrush on his bed. If he'd expected Mathias to come to his house to pick him up an entire half an hour before their agreed time of 6 PM, he would have finished getting ready sooner and shooed his fawning mother away from the house foyer. Tonight would be his and Mathias's very first date, if they didn't count that first afternoon on the coast of Ireland._

_He heard his mother clicking her tongue. "He is, but he's not ready yet, dear. Why don't you come into the kitchen and have some tea? I'm sure that Lukas's father would love to talk to you, too. This is all so exciting, my little boys are all grown up and going on dates!"_

_Lukas could hear Mathias's uncomfortable but nervously polite stuttering, but his mother continued to dote on him. Breathing a sigh of relief, he stood up and began buttoning up his freshly-ironed dress shirt._

_A quick knock at his bedroom door announced his brother's arrival. Emil entered his room, looked him up and down once and then went to sit on the edge of Lukas's bed._

_"_ _Mom's going crazy down there," Emil informed him._

_"So I hear. You'd think that Mathias would have the brains to wait a little longer before coming to get me," Lukas replied._

_"This is Mathias we're talking about. I don't think that the word 'wait' is in his vocabulary."_

_Lukas shrugged and finished buttoning his shirt. He turned to evaluate himself in the mirror, checking himself from every angle to make sure that no part of his outfit was amiss. He frowned at his reflection before taking a small, bright red carnation from the top of his desk and pinned it to his breast pocket. Satisfied, he walked back to the bed and sat down next to Emil._

_"You look nervous."_

_"I am."_

_Emil changed his position so that his back was leaning against the headboard and drew his knees up to his chest. "You know that even if you went downstairs dressed in the dirtiest, rattiest clothes you own, he'd still tell you that you're the most handsome guy in the world, right?"_

_Lukas thought for a moment, then nodded, relaxing slightly. "I know."_

_They sat in silence for a few seconds, listening to the excitement in the kitchen below them. Emil grabbed his brother's comb and ran it through his own hair a few times. "So where are you two going tonight?" he asked._

_Lukas frowned. "I have no idea. He wouldn't tell me, he insisted on making it this huge surprise."_

_Emil eyed him skeptically. "You're joking."_

_"I wish I was. Come on, let's go save that poor oaf before mom tries to forcibly adopt him," Lukas replied, opening his door._

_**_

_"A carnival? Are you serious?"_

_"You say that as if this isn't going to be the coolest first date ever."_

_They were standing in front of the entrance gate, looking in at a sea of lights and movement as other carnival-goers rushed past them. Lukas felt tense and anxious watching them swarm through the gate, crowding and bumping each other in an effort to buy tickets, but Mathias seemed completely unfazed by the activity. He realized that he should've expected something like this from him, but that realization didn't make Lukas wish that Mathias's idea of a 'fun first date' was dinner and a movie any less._

_Seeing Lukas's less-than-thrilled expression, Mathias took his hand. "It'll be fun, I promise. And if it's not, I will personally buy you four bags of cotton candy to make up for it," he said seriously._

_Lukas considered it for a moment. "Make it five."_

_Mathias smirked. "Deal."_

_Lukas had to admit that, contrary to his initial reaction, the date was fun. Mathias spared no expense in making sure that the evening was going well, from buying Lukas overpriced popcorn to spending twenty dollars at a balloon-dart kiosk in an effort to win him a giant teddy bear. While Lukas wasn't particularly excited about the place itself - there were way too many people for his taste - it was endearing to watch Mathias get excited over every ride and kiosk._

_By the time that the loudspeakers announced that the carnival would be closing in fifteen minutes, the pair of them were seated together in a Ferris Wheel car watching the lights of the carnival sparkle as they went around and around._

_Lukas was absentmindedly playing with his new teddy bear when he felt Mathias's arm snake around his shoulder. "So, was that an amazing first date or what?" Mathias asked._

_"Hmm... Let's just say that you won't be needing to buy those five bags of cotton candy," Lukas replied, resting his head on Mathias's shoulder._

_"That's good enough for me."_

_They stayed like that for a few minutes before Mathias cleared his throat. "So..."_

_"So?"_

_"Would you like to go out again some time?" he asked. Lukas didn't need to look up at him to tell that he was smiling._

_"Only if I get to choose the venue," Lukas warned, a coy smile playing on his lips._

_Mathias considered it for a moment. "Deal."_

****

A cool night breeze was blowing through the cemetery by the time Lukas stood up, but he didn’t make to start walking away immediately. It wasn’t like he really wanted to stay - it still pained him to see Mathias’s gravestone and wind was raising goose-flesh on his skin. Still, the idea of returning to a state of constant, dull apathy for an entire week almost made him want to sit back down at the stone and never get up again.

Lukas took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Matt.” At this point he’d lost track of the amount of things to apologize for. “I love you, and I’ll be back soon.”


	7. Rose

**Rose: Passion, Romance**

_July 8th, 2016_

Almost all of the streetlights around the cemetery had turned on by the time Lukas parked his car outside of it. His footsteps were slow and lethargic as he walked the familiar pathway, and it took him nearly double the amount of time that it usually would to arrive at Mathias's gravestone.

"I've got some good news for you this week," he announced, bearing a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Berwald and Tino are dating now. They both seem really happy about it but Ber is absolutely glowing, he's had a huge crush on Tino for years now."

Lukas figured that he didn't need to mention it, how watching his friends fall in love made him feel all the more cold and alone. He sat down in his usual spot and distractedly placed a single flower in front of the stone, accidentally pricking himself on one of it's thorns. "I'm glad for them. They're so excited and curious and _happy_. They're really getting better."

_But I'm not._

****

_"And you're sure that you want this?"_

_Lukas watched uneasily as his boyfriend fidgeted with the keys to their new apartment. Mathias jumped a little and turned around to face him. "What? Of course I do, babe, I've wanted this for years," he said, his cheeks reddening a little. "It's just that I'm kind of... Nervous. And, uh, inexperienced."_

_"You do realize that this is my first time too?" Lukas replied, cocking an eyebrow at him. Even though he was still unsure about Mathias's feelings about the situation, Lukas had to admit that his shyness was an adorable change from his usual boisterousness._

_Mathias only looked more embarrassed at his comment, prompting Lukas to earnestly take his hands. "Matt, we don't have to do this tonight. We don't have to do this at all, if you're not one-hundred percent sure," he reminded him._

_“No, no, I’m- shit, I mean, yes, I’m sure.” He stepped a little closer to Lukas and leaned in towards him, his husky tenor sending a shiver down Lukas’s spine. “I want to make love to you.”_

_Lukas couldn’t help himself; he gave Mathias a breathy kiss, tangling his fingers in his scruffy hair. All he felt was the heavy touch of Mathias’s arms around his sides, the warmth of their bodies pressed together, the pounding in his chest and the excitement that sparked like electricity in the air between them._

_“Give me those keys,” Lukas demanded, suddenly hardly able to wait to get inside. Mathias handed them over willingly, and with Lukas’s steady touch the door was open within seconds._

_As soon as the door had clicked shut behind him, Mathias pressed Lukas back against it. He used one hand to hold Lukas’s wrists to the wall behind him and put the other to use pushing Lukas’s hair back as he trailed kisses along his throat. Lukas panted heavily, throwing himself against his boyfriend’s touch until he couldn’t keep himself from moaning. “Let’s- ahh, Matt, let’s take this somewhere else,” he begged._

_Mathias immediately released him, took his hand, and together they ran to their bedroom. Lukas flung open the door only to freeze in his tracks._

_"_ _Mathias, what the hell?" Lukas asked, tentatively stepping forward into their bedroom._

_Scattered everywhere on the floor was an absurd amount of rose petals. All of the lights in the room had been dimmed, the covers on the bed had already been pulled back, and if Lukas wasn't mistaken, an old John Mayer album was playing on Mathias's laptop a few feet away._

_Mathias blushed all the way to his ears. "I thought that it would, uh, set the mood."_

_Lukas shook his head at him, smiling. "You're a clown," he replied. He reached forward to grab fistfuls of Mathias's shirt and pulled him in for another breathy kiss._

*****

Lukas could almost feel the tender softness of Mathias's lips on his body by the time he stood up. He didn’t even try to remember the last time he’d been touched in any way that wasn’t strictly platonic; still, the idea of a stranger’s hands roaming the places where Mathias’s had been appalled him.

“I miss you, Mathias. I just-” he stopped himself, turning away from the stone. “I love you, and I’ll be back soon.”


	8. Jasmine

**Jasmine: Sweet love, fidelity**

_July 15th, 2016_

Lukas’s gait was tense and heavy as he walked through the cemetery that rainy day, an ugly contrast to the couple of snowy white flowers clasped between his hands. When he got to the gravestone, he tossed the flowers down before it and impatiently sat down.

"You know, I've been coming here to talk to you for months. As much as I don't like to think about it, I keep wondering what happens to you after death." Lukas said, breathing heavily. "I like to think that there’s a heaven, or at least some sort of spirit realm that lets the deceased travel the world and observe the living. But is that just wishful thinking? Do we truly believe that that place exists, or did we create that concept to make ourselves feel better about the people we love dying? Because we can’t stand the idea of them just not existing anymore.”

Lukas was nearly shredding the flowers in his hands now, ignoring the torn petals that fell into his lap. “Is that why we rely so heavily on religion? To give us hope that death isn’t the end? It all seems to lead back to that, from Hinduism’s idea of rebirth, to Christianity’s Heaven and Hell, and so on.”

He looked back at the stone, trying to ignore the panic rising in his chest. “But you have to be here, right?”

****

_There was a cold front passing through southern Norway that had brought rainy days and stormy nights for weeks on end. While Lukas didn't always enjoy being woken in the wee hours of the morning by the crashing thunder, he did savor the chance to cuddle up to his half-asleep boyfriend and listen to the rain hitting the windows of their bedroom._

_As Lukas wrapped a protective arm around Mathias's stomach, Mathias twitched in his sleep. After a few seconds he rolled over to face Lukas and opened one sleepy eye. "'Morning, sweetheart," he mumbled, voice gravelly and thick with sleep._

_Lukas nuzzled his head against his collarbone in response. Mathias draped his arm around Lukas's shoulders and pulled him closer to himself, pressing a drowsy kiss to the top of his head. "This is nice," he yawned._

_Lukas nodded against his chest, breathing in the deep, smoky scent of Mathias's cologne. "I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

_Caught up in his half-asleep bliss mingled with the sound of the rain outside, the scent of fresh-cut jasmine flowers on the bedside table mixing with his cologne, and the familiar warmth of Mathias's skin against his, a wonderful thought sprang to Lukas's mind. After considering it for a few seconds, he gently prodded his boyfriend awake again._

_"Hey, Mathias."_

_"Mmhm?"_

_"Marry me."_

_Mathias smirked at him, lazily cracking his eyes open again. "That's funny, I thought I just heard you ask me to marry you."_

_Lukas smiled. "Well, it was more of a demand than a question. Let's get married, Matt."_

_It took Mathias a second to process what he'd just said, but when the realization hit him his eyes flew fully open and he jumped so quickly that he toppled off of the bed._

_Lukas scooted over onto the other side of the bed and watched his boyfriend wrangle with a sheet he was caught in on the floor. "How rude. I ask you to marry me and then you immediately start having an affair with the bedding," he said dryly._

_Mathias paused and looked back up at Lukas. "Are you serious about getting hitched? You're sure?" His voice was full of unmistakable excitement._

_For once in his life, Lukas couldn't think of a witty response. "Yeah, I am," he said, a wide grin filling his face._

_Mathias's face also broke out into a huge smile. He let out a whoop and grabbed Lukas's hands, taking him by surprise and dragging him swiftly off of the bed so that he landed in a flailing lump on top of him. Lukas laughed and halfheartedly tried to push himself up, but Mathias was too quick for him and had soon brought their mouths together in a sloppy kiss._

_Lukas was the first to pull back, letting his face rest inches from Mathias's. "So I'm taking that as a 'yes'?" he breathed._

_Mathias grinned and kissed him in response._

****

"But what if..." Lukas’s hands were beginning to shake and it was becoming harder to keep his breathing steady. "What if you aren't there? What if you're really gone?"

Lukas's breath hitched in his throat and his head spun. The word _gone_ echoed through his ears over and over as the idea manifested itself in his brain. Of course Mathias couldn't hear him; he was no longer anything more than a pile of bones rotting away beneath Lukas's feet.

_Gone, gone, gone_

He scrambled away from Mathias's gravestone as if it had burned him. Tears pricked his eyes as he stood up and eyed the gravestone one last time.

 

**Mathias Andersen Køhler**

**6th June, 1992 - 17th May, 2016**

**Friend to us all**

 

Lukas turned and sprinted away without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Thank you so much for all of the kudos and comments, it really means a lot to me to see so many people enjoying this fic. You may have noticed it listed above, but I've finally revealed that this is chapter 8 of 10 - I'll be posting the final two chapters this Sunday. Happy reading!


	9. Forget-Me-Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This the last chapter before the epilogue. IMPORTANT: DEATH TW AFTER THE ITALICIZED TEXT.

**Forget-Me-Not: Eternal Love and Remembrance**

May 17th, 2016

_"Do you really have to go? It's starting to get dark out there. Besides, I want to spend my birthday with you, it's not fair to leave me home alone on today of all days." Lukas was lounging on his living room sofa, enjoying a second helping of cake while he watched his fiancé flit about the foyer in search of a jacket._

_Mathias smiled at him. "Come on, it's only a ten minute drive to the Florist to pick up your present, another five to buy a gallon of milk, and I'll be back home before you know it." He fished his jacket out of the closet and walked back to Lukas's place on the sofa._

_Lukas pouted. "Fine. Be careful out there," he warned. "I love you."_

_"I will." Mathias laughed and bent down to kiss him. "I love you too, Lukas, and I'll be back soon."_

_As the door clicked shut behind Mathias, Lukas sat back and turned on the TV._

_And he waited._

****

Emil screamed that evening when he found his brother's still-warm body crumpled on the bathroom floor, an empty bottle of sleeping pills discarded next to it.


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is, the final chapter of Forget Me Not! I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to leave comments, kudos, or have just taken the time to read this fic - it mean so much to me to know that people enjoy my writing. This was a very fun fic to write (I'm so sorry for the angst though, whoops) and I'll probably start drafting another multi-chaptered fic soon. Thank you for reading, 'I love you, I'll miss you, and I'll be back soon'. :)

Lukas didn't know what to expect after the deed was done, but he wasn't prepared for the immediate sensation of sunshine warming his skin. He slowly blinked his eyes open to find himself standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking the the sandy beaches of the Irish coast.

For the most part, it was exactly the same as how he remembered it from all those years ago. Still, as Lukas took a few deep breaths of ocean air, something seemed different. The air carried a scent that was different from that of his memory of the place: it was sweeter, cleaner, a stronger and more delicious perfume than the one from years ago.

Lukas slowly turned to look behind him. The ground was like a sea of azure: acres upon acres of tiny blue flowers sprawled across the clifftop in place of the daisies, all rippling in the sea breeze so that they mimicked the sight of the waves a hundred meters below. And in the center of it all-

"Lukas."

Mathias's eyes were wide, his mouth hanging open in shock. There were no scratches or injuries anywhere on him and he looked exactly as Lukas remembered him.

Lukas could swear that his heart stopped beating. "Oh my God," he breathed, taking a wobbly step forward.

Mathias immediately started running towards him. After a second of thought, Lukas sprinted forward too until he slammed into Mathias's chest and threw his arms around his waist. Mathias hugged him so tightly that he could hardly breathe, fervently covering his head in kisses as he repeated Lukas's name over and over.

"Oh my God, oh my God, Mathias." He wasn't even trying to hold back his tears as he sobbed into Mathias's shirt. "I'm so sorry!"

"You're sorry? " Mathias pulled back for a second, his eyes red and puffy. "I'm the moron who went off and got myself killed and left you all alone back there for months!" He exclaimed, brushing away a stray tear on Lukas's face. "You were so sad."

Lukas was startled. "I didn't know if you could hear me! I only hoped that you could, until..." He trailed off, turning his eyes to the ground.

Mathias placed his hand under Lukas's chin and tilted his head up. "I heard you, Lukas! I was there every single time you visited that stupid gravestone, and it was the most agonizing thing in the world to listen to you suffering like that." Mathias's other hand tightened on his back, as if he was trying to subconsciously protect Lukas from his past. "I tried to scream, to throw objects, to touch you, anything to make you see that I was there, but nothing worked. I just had to watch you come back and and get worse every single week. It broke my heart," he confessed, his voice dangerously close to breaking.

"I'm here now," Lukas said, pulling him back into a tight hug. "God, I missed you, you idiot. Never do that do me again."

Mathias gave a teary laugh. "I don't think that I could if I tried. But speaking of that..." He stepped away from Lukas, an apprehensive look crossing his features. "You killed yourself."

Lukas couldn't meet his eyes. "You know why."

"Emil found your body."

Lukas shuddered, his eyes slowly closing. "I was afraid that would happen." He ran his hands through his hair, trying to suppress the gruesome image that came to mind. "First his friend and now his own brother, just in the span of a few months. But he wasn't surprised, was he? He knew that this was coming."

Looking back at it, Lukas supposed that he had been marked as a time-bomb the second he learned that Mathias had died: his mental and physical deterioration would have been visible to anyone who met him after that. Emil would have watched his friends move through the process of grieving and slowly regain their composure while Lukas continued to fall.

Mathias watched him for a few moments before bending down and plucking one of the flowers at their feet. "That doesn't mean that it hurt any less," he answered, placing it in Lukas's hand.

His fingers closed around it. "I know."

Before he could do anything else, Lukas felt himself once again being wrapped in Mathias’s tight embrace. “He’s a tough kid, and he still has Ber and Tino there to support him. He’ll be okay,” Mathias murmured.

Lukas sighed. “I really hope you’re right.” He reopened his palm, inspecting the new little flower. “By the way, what is this place? And what happened to the daisies?”

Mathias’s eyes lit up once again as he took Lukas’s hand and began leading him through the field. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I honestly don’t know what this place is, but this is where I came when I first- well, ya’ know, died. The fields stretch on for miles, and I haven’t seen anyone else here yet. I’m guessing that the flowers were changed to meet our circumstances.” Mathias shrugged and picked him another flower. “Daisies for the living, Forget-Me-Nots for the dead.”

Mathias continued leading him through the field, chattering all along the way. “I think that it’s kind of like heaven, but… Different. Like, the place you go when you die is where your happiest memories were, a place that you considered ‘heaven’ while you were still alive. I like to spend time here, but you can also choose to move around and follow people on Earth, too.” He grinned at Lukas. “You, of course, were my favorite, but I kept an eye on Emil and the others, too."

Lukas feigned flattery. “My guardian angel,” he replied, putting a hand over his heart.

“Your super hot, totally awesome, macho-ghost-man guardian angel,” Mathias replied, winking at him.

Lukas sighed, trying his hardest not to laugh. “I should’ve stayed back there on Earth.”

Before Mathias could respond, Lukas stepped forward and kissed him. Mathias wrapped his arms around him and returned it enthusiastically. All of the agony of the last few months fell away against the gentle reassurance of Mathias's lips; for the first time in so long, Lukas felt a curious, forgotten feeling spreading through his chest: Hope. Hope for a happy future with Mathias that could never again be severed in an instant - hope for the idea that they had an eternity to create new memories together without fear of growing old or sick. There were no more "What if?"s, he realized with a start, only "What next?".

When they broke apart for air, Lukas was the first to speak. “Do we have time to do a bit more exploring before we go back to check on things on Earth?” He asked, twining their fingers together.

Mathias laughed and kissed him again. “We have all the time in the world.”

****

August 1st, 2016

_The sun had just dipped below the horizon when the sound of a car door slamming echoed through the cemetery. Songbirds in their nests hurried to calm their young before clambering over to the outermost branches of their trees to investigate. They watched curiously as a new young man came walking through the cemetery, two bouquets of light blue flowers nestled in his arms._

_As he approached the two gravestones - one of them ever so shinier than the other - Emil hesitated for a moment before awkwardly sitting down on the patch of ground between them._

_"Hey, Lukas. Hi, Mathias," he began. "I miss you."_


End file.
